Keep Calm and Call Me Maybe

I just finished my last weekend call for awhile, and I have to say I'm feeling pretty good about it. I get to pass this damn call baton off to the new first years, and I'm practically throwing it at them. There is nothing I like less than being called in at 3am to see a drunk smelly guy who just smashed his head and broke his orbital bones on a steering wheel because he was driving it. It doesn't exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy about what you're doing. Then you get the veterans, who can take anything, because, shit, they've seen war. So maybe they've been hanging out with a retinal detachment for the past few weeks, no big deal.  And then they thank you and tell you you're pretty. Isn't that all you can ask for in life?

Speaking of pretty, these are some of my favorite people in the world. I hope you don't mind me exposing you to the internet. You're wearing clothes; you're welcome.  So the lil lady on the right got herself married last month, and I have to say she really rocked that wedding dress. The rehearsal dinner was at the Cleveland Skating Club (yess!) and the wedding was at the courthouse, which sounds kind of lame until you go there, and you realize it's amazing. I guess I've never been to a courthouse before, but this was marbly and beautiful. They had a lovely mitzvah ceremony, and I have to say, it almost made me want to consider possibly getting close to the idea of marriage one day.  Right now I'm having fun dating douchebags for the time being.  You don't have to worry about getting involved, because you really don't want to. I had fun with these girls.  Some quality people right there. If they weren't all already Mrses. I would highly recommend them.  Please come to Texas again. I will feed you BBQ and queso, and you need to buy some damn boots. 

Speaking of wearing clothes (smooth transition, Ace), this is when the patient looks at the note and says, "Do not read out loud. Oh you just want me to say yes or no?"

This is when you happen to look at the ER waiting list and say, "Neat, I'm not sleeping tonight."

This is what you make yourself after you've been up from 3-5am and can't fall back asleep. And you happen to be superwoman. 

This is your view coming out of said hospital at 6am. Thank goodness I have a ridiculous schedule, or I would have missed this.  And thank goodness I get a break for awhile.  What a nutty year. I hope to be more sane and less exhausted and more smiley and more smarter this time next year. Thank you for sticking through this with me, and thank you for making me stick through it. Present this coupon for a free eye exam! (Disposable) sunglasses included.

Xoxo,

Dapper Girl

Wall of Quotes

“Our biggest problems arise from the avoidance of smaller ones.”

-Jeremy Caulfield

"I don't understand. It likes it on top but not inside?"

-rv

"I’ll be in California in 3 years. Dave, where will you be?"

-mom to dad

“so I’m looking for a husband for my daughter.”

-dad to dr. in the hospital

"I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."

"Pt's family states that pt got upset because mother did not get the McDonalds she wanted. Pt held a chainsaw to her neck. Pt then put a bunch of gasoline to the house."

-Actual admission note

"the holiday season is about learning to love yourself."

"I already love myself! I just wanna French someone!"

"i view everyone of your glaring red flags as a personal challenge."

"I gave him top-front!"
"Top front, Lemon? That's your worst quadrant."
-ll and jd

"i'm making art with you as the centerpiece." -cw

"just stay focused, and take this sandwich to my wife... Nope. I'm in a strip club!"
-tracy jordan

“mr. jordan, it’s kenneth parcel. from work, and friendship.”
-kp

“really dude, you don’t fuck with someone’s mis-en-place.”
-top chef contestant

“i can’t believe you said the C word in front of all those people.”
“in retrospect, maybe I should have gone with pussy.”
-larry david

“when you’re about to be eaten, it’s not time to make urine. this is no time to ovulate.”
-documentary on pbs

“hi, this is dr. davis. i need to forward my pages to dr. sprunt."
 (at 7 pm)
"ok, and when will you be returning?"


"unfortunately, tomorrow at 7 am."


"oh... haha. well, enjoy your break!"


-me and the hospital operator

"so I just learned that the united nations is not Britain." -cd





"i like you having a non-boyfriend."


"at least you know I'm not getting pregnant."


"yeah! awesome!"


-me and mom

"hi, dr., I'm calling about this patient in room 6. he's been digging in his poo all night, so I need an order for restraints."


-nurse





"so on our third date, I hardly know this gal, and she asks me, 'so, where do you think you and I will be in 10 years?' I'm known for my honesty so I tell her, 'well, I doubt we will know each other.'"


-my dad talking about my mom





"if Rojo Caliente can find someone, anyone can."


-dad





"no wonder everyone always come back to texas."


-cm





"i want to get alex drunk."


"well that shouldn't be hard, just give her a few shots."


"no, i mean i want to get as drunk as alex gets. i want to get alex-drunk."


-jp





"my dreams have become really weird since getting on prozac."


"what do you mean?"


"they're a lot more vivid. and there's a lot more violence... and killing."


-ld and lw





"it's ok, honey."


"what's ok?"


"everything's ok."


-cm





"i'll be in a relationship with you if you stop slurping the stroganoff."


"why don't you just hand me the wine?"


-bs and az





km 10:15 "Get back on"


km 10:16 "That's what she said."


ltd 10:16 "That's what she said."

"I don't remember this at all!"


"Well, you were probably drunk."


-az and az's dad





"[incomprehensible]. Say 'yes' or 'no.'"


"Hmm...Yesss?"


-orbitz automated voice and sf





"His mind is like a steel... something..."

-my mother





"I disliked a blog so I could comment, 'Please don't eat veal."


-cd





"Today I found a really old bowl of ice cream under his coffee table."

-ld




"Maintain some counterpressure."


-sf





"Wasn't Mo'nique in the movie Precious?"


"Mo'nique?"


"Monet? No, not precious. That's impressionism."


-dad, me, and mom in a typical conversation





"I thought I had mono, and it turned out I was just really bored." -ag

"Nononono you can't leave me! You are my everything!"
"Are you talking to me or the vodka-cranberry?"



-ld and lt

Springtime in Texas Again

I can't believe I've slacked off on writing since July. My friend called me out on it, and though sometimes I feel it's self-indulgent to write about myself, she said she actually reads these things, so here it is! You have missed so much!  As in mostly work, but also some fun concerts and dating stories. Since then I have turned into a full-fledged ophthalmologist, and by full-fledged I mean I finally have some idea of what I am doing. For the first 6 months, I'm not gonna lie, I would see patients but essentially have no clue what I was looking at in their eyes. That lead to a lot of frustration when on call, since I'm the only eye doc seeing the patient at that hour. I'd call my back up resident to ask questions, and when it was too difficult to explain or just had to be seen, they would come into the ER in the middle of the night. For some reason I was always paired with one upper-level resident, who frequently "forgot his badge" to get into the parking lot, and would take 1-2 hours to come in. So say it was 3 am, and you get a call for "eyeball hanging out of socket after a knife fight." This is all just hypothetical, of course. You say, "hm, that doesn't sound good," and come in quickly. You find said eyeball hanging out of socket, and nurses saying, "doctor, what are you going to do?" and realize they are looking at you. I quickly reply, "talk to my senior resident," since I'm thinking this guy will need surgery. I call my senior resident, who then takes 1.5 hours to come in. (He lives about 10 minutes away.) Now it's 4:30 and finally he comes to take a look and has to call our attending, seeing as how this guy will need surgery. Funny, I diagnosed that awhile back. My attending comes in much more quickly than my senior resident, and they head off to the OR. Spoiler alert: the eye was taken out. The delay in care didn't really affect the outcome, but it certainly affected my sleep that night and my confidence in my "colleague." 


Since then he's gotten better because we've all had similar issues with his timing, and I've gotten better with my exams.  I no longer get palpitations when I'm on call, and I feel like I can diagnose the vast majority of the eye complaints that come in. During the day I'm in clinic with an attending (experienced doc), and he lets me make most of the decisions, unless he disagrees with my plan. This has made me feel a lot more confident as an eye doctor.  There is still an overwhelming amount of material I have to learn, but I'm getting there. Oh and I was constantly in a bad mood for the first 6 months (I was warned I'd be depressed, but I didn't actually believe it), and now I just feel better in general about what I'm doing.  In January I called my parents crying, very serious, saying I couldn't take it anymore and it wasn't worth it- I'd go into research or start my bakery or become a consultant doc- residency was just too much. I now realize that there are intense periods on call, but it's still not as bad as when my sucker general surgery friends are on. :) Also it's nothing like when my dad was on call; he would go into the hospital Friday morning and leave Monday night. Guess that's why his first marriage didn't go so well. Lucky for me I ain't go nobody except for my Zoey beagle. She's so lovely, and I kind of like how confused she gets when I head into the hospital in the middle of the night. She's all loopy and beagly. 


You missed the 5th annual Beagle Egg Hunt! Another roaring success, and Zoey taught her cousin Winston how to break open the eggs. This year we featured salami and cheese. Big hit. 


You missed my super-busy dating life in February. Somehow it slowed after that, but I'll always have February. I was living in Houston for a month-long review course, and I managed to stack up my days and weekends with a confusing number of dates- locals and imports alike. I had a very sweet lawyer, a (later learned) douchebag general surgeon who talked constantly about his ex-gf, a bartender/ pediatric resident from Greece, another 36-year old lawyer who lived at home with his parents and some other miscellaneous boy sprinklings. Also the long-distance/ long-term ex still sends me flowers every Valentines. And Christmas. And for my birthday. I'm waiting for him to blossom, then he may come back around. You may look at that list and say, what happened to the very sweet lawyer? He's still around, but I don't feel that spark. My mom says it's because I don't think I deserve a nice boy, but I also need passion. Like the recent episode of New Girl- though I'm pissed that she dumped hottie Rupert Everett, she also needed the fire. Anyone else notice I'm like Zooey Deschanel on that show? Plus a combo of Eliot from Scrubs and Tina Fey on 30 Rock. It's healthy to have TV role models, no? I debated canceling my cable subscription due to my quickly shrinking bank account, but I just couldn't pull the plug. 


Anyways, I'm on call again this weekend... It's almost noon and I haven't heard from the ER for the past 5 hours. I'm feeling good for now. This will likely change when I'm up at an obscene hour of the night, but for now, we will take what we can get. 


You know you love me. Xoxo,
Dapper Girl ♣ 

This Is What Is In my Word Doc

I keep a running Word doc of things for me to do or think about. Here is what I wrote:

Go to Canada – Manitoba, Vancouver
New Zealand fellowships
When I was faster I was always behind.
Autologous tears

What Would Zoey Eat? WWZE?

Yes:
Cookie dough
Meat of any type
Eggs
Tortillas
Peaches
Milk
Falling pods from the trees
Honey Nut Cheerio’ed Milk (previously in No)
Tomatoes, preferably seasoned
Greek yogurt, preferably with honey
Dirty underwear

No:
Cashews
Avocado
Mushrooms
Snap peas
Blackberries. She will lick the Greek yogurt off.
Almonds. She will eat the chocolate around it.

The mtDNA that is affected maybe a single or multiple point deletion, with associated nuclear DNA deletions. One study showed that mtDNA deletion seen in CPEO patients also had an associated nuclear DNA deletion of the Twinkle gene which encodes specific mitochondrial protein; Twinkle.

Weakness of extraocular muscle groups including, the orbicularis oculi muscle as well as facial and limb muscles may be present in up to 25% of patients with CPEO. As a result of the orbicularis oculi weakness, patients may suffer from exposure keratopathy (damage to cornea) from the inability to close the eyes tightly.

This basically sums up my past week. Time to go powerpoint now.
DD

Shooot

I guess if you start a post, but then save it as a draft, it files it under the original date. Sooo please see February for May's updates. Oh also I'm moving back to San Antonio in a few weeks to start being an eye doctor. Apparently my free time goes out the window. It was fun doing fourth year of med school, but as a real doctor. I will miss it. Some other things: What happens in Vegas is that it's a dirty dirty city and it's full of way too many dirty dirty people, but I'm glad I got to play there with some classy ladies. Also today my dad cut my foot open. I got a nice raging foot infection from scraping it in Barton Springs, and it hasn't healed... so the surgeon went ahead and did his thing today. Hopefully this will heal & I can get a sweet new war wound. The picture above is me at Hamilton Pool, after the cut but before I learned part of my foot would be sent away. See my zen there? So naive. Well that'll do pig. Besos!

Meet Winston

This month's blog hosted by Winston! The hottest thing to hit Beverly Hills since the Kardashians! I'm the proud aunt of this little midgie. Sister got a new dog, because obviously that's what she needs right now. We were all mad at first. Then we saw that sweet little punim, and it was all over for us. Strike a pose, Winston. It's your time to shine.


I can't help being adorable.

I will eat your socks & pee on your Louboutins.

Real life updates coming soon. I finished medicine & surgery & all the crap I didn't want to do... Now it's eyes for life. I'm excited & scared & all those confusing feelings. But all is right in the world when you see Winston's little paws.

xoxo,
ltd

Springtime in Texas

There are many reasons why I think I have A.D.D... The first one is that I started a blog in February talking about how I have A.D.D., and then I never finished it. Here's how it went:
I realized I have A.D.D... I don't know if it's adult onset, or if I just never noticed before.... I guess I didn't pay attention... but my mind seriously has thoughts flying around at all times. Woosh! I don't understand how I can have cohesive thoughts like this. I was just driving home and thinking of my thoughts (I'm doing that way too much lately), and here's how it went. Led Zeppelin came on the radio, and I used to think that if Led came on the radio that it was going to be a good day, but then I realized I'm just in the car for too long and that theory just doesn't work anymore. Then I started thinking about what I'm going to have for lunch and if I can have one of those really delicious frosted brownies from Whole Foods. Fast forward: obviously I had that brownie. Then Carry on my Wayward Son came on, and I started to tear up a little, and then I thought about Cat's in the Cradle and how that always makes me sad, and it m...

Then clearly I found something more interesting to do at that point. Ok so since February here are some things that happened:
-I became a half marathoner for the second time. Can't we just round up to marathoner? 2 x 1/2 = 1. I did it solo, but my partner in crime AZ was missed.
-My sister got WINSTON!!!! OMGWINSTON!!!! Please see previous post for picture reference.
-Zoey had her fourth Easter Egg Hunt. Which means she's been with me almost 5 years. Oh how time flies when you're institutionalized in med school. This time I upped the ante by hiding bacon in jelly bean shaped eggs, so they were harder to open. Somehow she still managed to find enough easter eggs to make her sick, so I'd say it was a successful hunt.
-My best friend got married. By a drag queen. My mom caught the bouquet. It was lovely & love-ful.
-Realized approximately everyone is getting married this year. 2011 is so hot for weddings.
-I saw my favorite NYers.
-I patted the belly of one said NYer, and there is a little baby in it.
-Speaking of, I'm kind of thinking kids aren't for me. But dogs are. Is this just the way it goes?
-Got diagnosed with A.D.D. by my psychiatrist. Thanks for helping me out all those years, pal. JK he didn't know me then, but that sure would've been nice to know earlier.
-Went to New Orleans for a bachelorette party. I would like a repeat in about a year, but in a different locale. Got my fortune read by a tarot card reader. I am going to have an amazing career but my love life is crap.
-My boyfriend moved to South America. All of it. He'll live in all of it, starting in Bogota.
-Got hit on by a married man with kids.
-Finished my intern year of residency.

So not much has been happening. Now it's time for me to finish packing for Vegas in the morning. My life is so rough.

West coast represent

I’m in LA now for a few days of PTO (I’m gainfully employed - independent ladies put your hands up). The weather has literally been 72 degrees and sunny every day I’ve been here. It’s disgustingly amazing. I went for a long run yesterday and I didn’t even want to take an ice bath afterwards. Weird. My sister’s at her comedy class now, figuring out how to incorporate ghetto dance moves into her routine, so I figured I’d use this time to reflect. Also sorrryyy about slacking on the whole December post. I was a pediatrician working 80-125 hours a week (why would I joke about this??), and I did nothing but work and sleep. And drink my cares away… I can see why doctors have addiction problems.

I just finished being a psychiatrist for a few weeks, which was really great. Please allow me to introduce you to my friend “Brian.” Now Brian is a 450 pound man who was in the hospital for about 30 days, and on the day before discharge, they learned he had another personality. So Dr. D rolls in to see our new buddy. The med students see them before we do, and I found my med student looking like he had just seen a ghost. Apparently he got a good show from Brian. I go in and introduce myself. No, I’m not a nurse. I’m a doctor. Dammit! No one believes me! We get to talking, and I ask him about his alter ego.

“Oh, Patty?” he says.
“Hm surree, let’s hear about Patty.”
“Well would you like to meet her?”
Oh absolutely I did.
So he sits back in his chair, closes his eyes for a few seconds and wakes up.
“Hello. Who are you?”
“Hi, I’m Dr. Davis. Who are you?”
“Oh I’m Patty.” Please keep picturing the 450 pound man that I’m talking to.
“Hi, Patty. What sort of things do you like to do?”
Sigh. “Be sexy.”
“Ok, anything else?”
“I like to dress up in sexy thongs and high heels and have sex with men. I like to be sexy and sexual.”

Why would I joke about this? He also told the med student that Patty likes to beat up people like him for fun. Hence the ghost face I saw. So anyways, we’re chatting and it sounds like Patty is getting weaker as Brian is getting stronger physically. I encourage this, because I know that multiple personality disorder cannot be controlled like this. You can’t just close your eyes and become someone else consciously, and know about the other ego like it’s a close friend. I think Brian just needed someone to talk to, and I was all ears.

I miss Brian. He was one of those people that helped remind me why I went into medicine. Sometimes I think it’s just a career I picked because I’m masochistic, but then I get patients like him or “John” who thank me for actually helping them. John was a kid with an abscess (an infection on his arm) that we were giving antibiotics, but it wasn’t really doing anything. Then I went in there and mashed on his arm and got so much pus out (I love getting pus out- it’s really satisfying.) that I told him he needed it cut open & drained. His mom later told me I was the only one who touched it, and if it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have had surgery. Then she gave me a hug. I smiled all day.

Oh shoot I told myself this blog wouldn’t be about work. Ok let’s talk about my love life. I’m dating. Maybe that’s all I’ll say actually. I realized my sister & I have different philosophies about dating. Like she told a boy once who didn’t have air conditioning, “Next time get a real car.” She claims she was joking, but we all know there was some truth in it. She also introduced me to the book Why Men Love Bitches, which basically says men love to feel like men, and that means letting them chase the lady. But you can’t be totally passive or too easy to get or else they’ll lose interest. The idea is slightly archaic, but it’s pretty much true. Nothing worth having comes easy. We’re all animals, and at the end of the day, we only want those who we find the most worthy to mount us. I’ve been watching too much PBS and Discovery Channel.

And on that note, I’m out to enjoy this California weather. Deuces.

pure white rage

I'm currently raging, and I just need to get it all out there. I was ok with working on Thanksgiving, because my bossman said he'd make sure I'd get Christmas off. Turns out that's not going to happen. I just need a little vacation. That's all I'm asking for. Maybe 2 days in a row? Like a Saturday and Sunday? I remember weekends, I really do. It would have been better if I wasn't on f*ing call tonight. P.W.R.

Ok all better. What are we all asking for for Christmas? I want a coat from Anthropologie that's bohemian chic. That's my new style. Also I wouldn't mind an iPhone with Verizon... when's that going down? But most of all, I'd really like a vacation. Stop. Breathe. Rage out. How bout you Jews? What are we getting asking for in our yarmulke stockings? Punky the pug is asking for more treats, and a few more pounds of fat to be added to her collection. Zoey the beagle is asking for peace around the world. She's a furry angel.

My mom's meeting me for lunch today, because she could tell I was upset. Maybe she could tell because I woke her up this morning complaining. I told her to bring the pug for my spirits, but the princess doesn't tend to venture outside of her palace. The other day I was watching Some Like it Hot, and the MGM lion came roaring on the TV and scared the SHIT out of the pug. It was awesome. Also I realized the cure for post-work rage is watching Tommy Boy at the Worshams, because it really helped out yesterday. Thanks for letting me watch the house! Also, LW your bed is really comfy, I forgot. I've just been living your life, circa 1996. Also your cat George is a baller. I like pets. Ok wow It's time for me to sign off, bc this post is possibly even more random than my last one.

If you live in Austin, please no drinking and driving today. Just today. I don't want to see your ass in the ER while I'm on call. Bitter out!

Dappergirl does surgery

I decided to leave my blogging for today, since it's my first day of call as a surgeon, and I thought it would be fun for you to endure the pain with me. Now, you might be scared thinking that I am taking care of all 48 surgical patients, all surgery consults, plus all traumas, but I can assure you, you are not as scared as I am. Isn't that reassuring? This morning I woke up at 4 am to get to the hospital, saw my patients, dropped some notes, got called to evaluate someone to get their leg cut off, and then had myself some lunch. I think it's about to hit the fan, but right now I am cool, calm and collected. Ish. Apparently I get to go home tomorrow around 11am, but the forecast does not look good for sleep. Luckily I know where the coffee is hidden in this hospital. It's not hidden. We all need our crack.

Anyways I did have a life before this rotation started, and I think that's why I haven't posted. I have been doing things, like what real people do. I sure love Austin, and I love that all good musicians eventually come here. Austin City Limits Festival was last weekend, and things got crazy. I saw a Strokes concert, and they were pretty disappointing. It was fun anyways, but I won't be recommending them live. I decided to skip most of the madness and went to my friend's engagement party in Nashville instead of ACL. It was basically a wedding, with a formal dinner, speeches about love and family that made me cry (thanks Iraj), and a legit in-house dance party, DJ and lights included. Persians seriously know how to get down. It was so lovely seeing everyone, since I lived with them for a few weeks when I did a rotation at Vanderbilt, and they have always treated me like family. Actually we're looking into adoption. 'We' being 'just me.' It's just confusing, because the parents actually like each other still? They look at each other longingly and tell them how much they appreciate each other? What is going on?

Speaking of, I realized I'm attracted to people who are emotionally distant, like my father. Let's get real psychological here. Let's break it on down. I think every girl likes a little hard to get, but this can't be good for my future happiness. Also I need to quit trying to be friends with my exes. For some reason, it worked with the first ex (thanks jprb), so I thought it would be unicorns and rainbows with the rest, but no. I recently tried to go out to drinks with the last one, the one who threated extortion on me (I should just stop right there, I know), and it was honestly the most awkward conversation I've EVER had with anyone. Why do I try to be nice to people who have no intention of being nice to me? I'm over that. Also I got a text a YEAR later from someone saying "I was a dick and I just wanted to say I'm sorry." Better late than never? Oh AND I got a facebook message from a girl who was a C-word to me 5 years ago, and she just wanted to apologize. 5 years later. All this technology lets you apologize for your sins, without actually talking to the person and manning up. Perfect for the modern day pansy.

OK time to talk to someone about his groin abscess. Wish me luck today!
You know you love me,
Dappergirl.

Update: It's 9 pm, and I don't want to kill myself. And I'm pretty sure I haven't killed anyone yet. I would have been called about that. Things are looking good.

New update: It's 12 noon, hour 32, and I do want to KMS. But all my patients are still kickin back and livin. Highlight of the night/ morning: my pager goes off and I say, "oh yes, bring on the PAAAIN!" very loudly as another doctor gets on the elevator. Picture me blushing and mumbling under my breath afterwards. Another highlight would be my drunk friend in the ER accompanied by 5 cops, who yelled out, "yeah, i got scabies! I got HIV! I got it all!" She really does got it all.

My email has been compromised.

Email from my "mom":

Hello8

What have you been up to ?

Tell you a good news. At last few days,My friend Jack told me where was called the factory of world.All the things is very cheap.

Register to be their members as soon as possible, during this time, they have discount sales, many surprises are waiting for you.

It continues, but I think you get the idea. My actual mom sends me an email after that with the title "I've been hacked. My email has been compromised." Like it's top level security that has been compromised. I get a lot of enjoyment out of my mom's discomfort with technology. It took her 5 years to learn to turn the computer on; now she spends about 4 hours a day looking at jewelry and silver spoons (yes, i get the irony, thanks) on ebay.

In other news, my dad walked into my room when I was watching porn. Luckily, he came in during the excessive moaning part, so I'm pretty sure there was no question as to what I was up to. In my defense, I thought it was a clip from Survivor, but apparently that's different from Survivor Island? This Kelly Brook character is a real looker. What was I supposed to do? Just watch part 1 and ignore parts 2-4? Don't be ridiculous. And now you all shall Google Survivor Island, because I know you're curious.

Speaking of, about a week ago, I didn't really want kids. I'm not big on sharing, and I really appreciate my down time, so I think kid-chasing would probably not be high up on my list of favorite hobbies. Then my older sister visited with her 2 year old son, and I think I might get it now. He was jumping around in the pool with his hands up screaming in delight whenever my dad would splash him, and he found so much pleasure in a measuring tape and a duster. It's pure. Just pure joy. I still believe my best option would be to start a kid rental service. Like maybe I can handle it for a few weeks a few times a year. You guys know of any services like that? I'm an innovator; let's get this Netflix for kids thing going.

Time to go for a run... In the gym. It's about 150 degrees outside. Princess doesn't like to overheat.

People are strange

Meet Leslie, Austin's greatest homeless dude/gubernatorial candidate.

First thing's first: Max update. I really missed him, so I went ahead and just texted him the other day. Bad idea? Probably, but I was going through severe MTD withdrawals.

Me 6/12: Hey (I thought that was appropriate.)
Max 6/12: Hey
Max 6/12: Whats good tania
Max 6/12: So ure going out with jr thats cool
Max 6/13: Hey
Max 6/21: Hey
Max 6/25: Hey
Me 6/25: I'm sorry, I accidentally texted you the other day. This really is not tania. You have the wrong number.
Max 6/25: Ok

That's it? He just gave up like that? I was expecting a little bit of a fight. Now let's break this jr thing down. Am I going out with J.R. or Jr., like William Randolph Jones, Jr.? Or it could be Jr. as in the little brother of a scary gang homey. I'm going with the latter. Either way, I'm proud of Tania for getting herself a real man, and moving on from Max. He was so yesterday.

In other news, all I have been doing is working. I go in around 6am, run around the hospital talking to my patients about their visual hallucinations (3 large people coming to get him), or their bowel movements (still dark and loose, but a little lighter than yesterday), or their alcohol withdrawal (can I have some more of that Ativan?). My first night on call, I have a nice homeless gentleman who comes in with the "chief complaint" (what brings them into the hospital) of "Found down in the creek." Seems he was hanging out by Shoal Creek, just doing a little bit of boozing, as per the usual, then it gets a little fuzzy in his memory, but he remembers some jerks pulling him out of the water since it looked like he was drowning. We chit chat for awhile longer, all the while I'm thinking about how I would really like to prescribe some mouthwash for him, when he starts coughing.

"How long have you had that cough?"
"Oh, since the '90s."
"Uh... have you ever coughed up blood?"
"Oh yeah, when I had TB I did."

I asked him a few more questions, and decide even though he says he's been treated, he's probably not the most reliable historian. I get up, tell the nurse, get my gown and masks on, and watch as the nurse puts "Airborne precautions" on the door, and some maintenence guy airseals the room. I think he really was telling the truth about getting treated after we kept him to make sure he didn't go into DTs on us, but I wasn't too trusting of him when we first met.

Another little lady came in with a fever, and we couldn't find out why she was having it. We drew blood, took cultures of urine, checked her Xrays, the whole shebang, but she still was fevering. Then a few days into her stay, she complains of some foot pain. We figure, ok, we'll Tylenol her up, no problem. Then the nurse says, "Be sure to look at her feet." We pull back the covers and WOW. Both of her big toes had nails about 8 inches long, growing out and back INTO her foot. I have to figure out how to scan a picture of this, because it's really awesome. They were all twisty and dark and just went right into her middle toe, making a sweet little black wound. At least our mystery was solved.

So this is the fun of working at the county hospital. There are a lot of drunks, and a lot of people who don't bathe themselves, but it's a good learning experience... I think. Call is pretty miserable, but at least I sleep some of the 24-30 hours I'm here. I've been saying "oh balls" a lot on this rotation, like when the nurse hammer pages me for a low potassium level. Somehow it makes me feel better. And I have thrown a few temper tantrums in the hallways when I'm tired and decaffeinated. I stomp my feet and pout and whine "I don't wanna!" which entertains me and sometimes the med student. He's pretty funny too. I break out in my Spanish to the patients and when we leave he goes, "Oh si. Arroz con pollo," because that's the extent of his Spanish. Well, it's time to take a nap in our sweet call room before I head down to the ER in a few hours. Isn't life grand?

Max the Dumbass

Somehow some ghetto guy got ahold of my number, and I'm thinking he got in when a girl at a bar decided to give him a fake number, which just happened to be mine. I'd like to present you with the texting fun that I have had with this gentleman, stored in my phone as first name Max, last name The Dumbass. The spelling is Max's original work, unadulterated.

MTD 5/6: Hey
MTD 5/7: Hey
MTD 5/7: Hey is max
MTD 5/8: Hey
MTD 5/11: Hey
Me 5/13: I do not know you, max
MTD 5/13: Ok what school u go to
Me 5/13: Goodbye max.
MTD 5/13: Ok
MTD 5/18: Hey

Just... so many things wrong with this fellow. It seems he got the hint that I didn't know him, yet he keeps coming back for more. Then from another phone number, I get:
MTD 5/28: Heyy' It's Max
Me 5/28: Hey Max, it's still the wrong #

Meanwhile I have been answering phone calls from random numbers that are clearly him, but he just doesn't say anything when I answer. The first time he called he said, Hey, is Tania there? And I said, nope, you have the wrong number. So he's heard my voice, and he knows I'm not Tania. Yet this was not the end of Max.

From ANOTHER number:
MTD 5/28: Hey
MTD 5/28: Hey tania
MTD 5/28: Hey ms max [editor's note: I believe this is, "Hey It's Max"]
Me 5/28: Hey Max, still the wrong # no matter what phone you call from.
MTD 5/28: My brothers
MTD 5/28: U aint going to tx back {I debated writing, "No Max, I ain't going to tx back," but I just went with the silent treatment instead.]
MTD 5/31 [three days later]: Whats good
Me 5/31: Buddy this is not tania. You have the wrong number. Please stop texting and calling.
MTD 6/3: Hey then why u gave me ure phone number if u dirint whant me tx [Um. Wow.]
So then I decide I might as well have fun with him on this one...
Me 6/3: She must've given you a fake #. You got played.
MTD 6/3: No cuz last time i called and it whas u
MTD 6/3: No cuz last time i called and it whas u
I couldn't respond. I just couldn't.

And in between texting me via 3 phones, he managed to fit in another number. It's an unknown number, but based on prior history, I think it's safe to say it's our dear friend Max.
MTD 6/2: Hey

I'm debating just continuing this textual relationship, because it really brings me and my mom so much joy when I read them to her. She also makes me show all her friends these texts, and I do it, because, hey, I'm trapped in the house anyways.

Feta is betta in the homeland

I'm really working on a deadline here. I have to have blog posts for each month, and I'm really pushing it. A lot of things have been happening, namely returning from Europe, graduating from medical school, packing up my home for the past 3 years, and moving into the Loft at Westlake Hills. Now many of you Austin locals may not be familiar with the Loft, but it shares the same land as the Resort at Westlake Hills. It's in close proximity to my parent's home. Also my kitchen happens to be the same kitchen that my parents use. And we share the same dining facilities. Ok I live with my parents. My name is Lindsay, and I'm a 26 year old doctor who lives with her parents. Hi, Lindsay. Welcome.

Since I decided to forgo the expensive condo (thanks, Larry the jerkface realtor, who decided that for me), I realized the smartest thing to do would be to save about $18k and live with the crazy people who raised me. This is going to be an adventure in sanity and space. But this way my Zoey beagle can always be taken care of, and Punky pug can always have a dog friend to play with. Too bad she's a princess and doesn't even identify with dogs. She can't even walk on the grass; she has to follow the brick path out to an appropriate spot, and then puts half her legs on the grass to pee.

Ok let's get to the trip. I'm going to hold off discussing the fights that ensued with me and the boyfriend, and just focus on the good. I got to see my little Lala and her lovely new FIANCE and my Daynieflower and my other Lallers. These names are ridiculous, but I have to abide by HIPAA rules for my blog. We ate and drank a lot at Blue Sky and Beast and the Campbell Apartment in Grand Central, made famous for me because that's the bar where Nate and Serena first hooked up. I'm such a teeny-bopper. If you don't know what I'm talking about, good for you. We also saw a local play which was pretty thought-provoking and funny and went to the Met, where I found some hot jewelry.

Then it was off to Barthelona for a quick 48 hours of Spanish flair. We were super jet-lagged, since we decided to drink the free tiny wines that Iberia gave us on our flight, instead of sleeping like intelligent people would do. After awhile, the stewardesses got tired of bringing us drinks and just told Chris the bar was open in the back. Note to self: always fly Iberia. Also I really loved their little packaged meals. One steward just kept coming by saying "Pan. Pan? Pan. Pan," distributing more bread to anyone who wanted it. Mas pan, por favor. Our hotel had an amazing view of a church with a big angel on top, and of La Sagrada Familia, and I really dug the modern bathroom, complete with bidet. Being a lover of all things Spanish and artistic, I was superpumped to see Gaudi's buildings, which were more amazing in person. That man was way ahead of his time. We tried to go see the Magic Fountains near the Placa Espana, which I think are pretty normal fountains, just with a neat name, but they never came on. All these people lined up to see them go off, and they totally disappointed us. Luckily we made some Spanish friends. Then for some reason Chris and I got in a fight, I went home, and he came back several hours later minus an iphone and our fake D&G sunglasses from NY. It seems he made some good "friends" in that fair city.

Then it was off to Athens to meet up with my Swanky Surgeon friend AZ. You may be familiar with her from the wall of quotes... Um she's never drunk during surgeries; don't worry. Let me just preface this with the fact that this whole trip was supposed to be a med school graduation trip that petered out a bit. AZ and SF were set to go, and SF wanted a manfriend to go along too... So I invited the new man. Prob not the best idea in retrospect, but that's what hindsight's all about. So we book our flights to Europe, and AZ remembers she is a bridesmaid for a wedding that falls right in the middle of our trip, so she changes things around. S puts off buying a flight to NY, even though he has paid for his ticket to Barcelona. 4 days before the trip, I haven't heard from him, and he also avoids calling me back to let me know his plans. I figure if he's coming, I may see him in the Austin airport. S was a no show there. Maybe I'll see him in NY? No S. Barcelona? You get where this is going.

Ok stay focused here. So we met up with AZ in Athens, where she booked us this sweet hostel that was really like a hotel. We got our own rooms on the 6th floor, and our own chic balcony that had an amazing view of the Parthenon. At night, the 7th floor turned into a happy hour bar, and we made friends with the bartender and the hotel staff. I tried to get AZ to work it / route with the cute Australian bartender, until we found out he was 19. Game over. Now let's talk about the Greek salads. It is so much better in Greece. The tomatoes are fresher and the feta is wonderful and the people are so much friendlier, so for some reason it all tastes better. At one restaurant the (humongous, sweaty) chef came out to take our plates, and seeing that I hadn't eaten the fish head, proceeded to take my knife and fork and cut the cheek meat out for me. Then he watched as I ate it. A little creepy, but entertaining.

Athens was a lot more fun than I was expecting. Dirty, but the people are so friendly, you couldn't help but love it. We ate at one place twice, Thanasis on Mitropoleos, and around midnight while walking home, we told the man working there how much we loved it. He promptly sat us down and gave Chris a beer and me extra feta cheese. Maybe answers why their economy is going to shit, but I still give them credit for the spirit. And I can't forget the night we went out with only a credit card, asked the bars if they took credit cards, then when paying they said their machines were down due to the strike. We must have gotten hundreds of dollars of free drinks that night. And we made a nice little reputation for ourselves at the hostel as being "those girls" with the one guy trying to babysit. Oh man I left out the Parthenon, which was super mind-blowing, and I didn't even think I'd appreciate it. It's much cooler than just ancient rocks.

Next we were off on our high-speed ferry ride to Santorini. I am going to have to skip some details because this is becoming a novel, but let me just say that Santorini is beyond words amazing. The water is gorgeous, the island and volcano are stunning, and I seriously kept singing the Talking Heads song, "Heaven, heaven is a place, a place where nothing, nothing ever happens." It popped into my head subconsciously after the sun woke us up to the beautiful ocean. We tanned and beached, and you can see my facebook photos for picture reference! We stayed at Delfini in the northern end of the island, on Oia. Ohh and that's where we got into some trouble at a bar, where we made friends with the locals (see above photo), including a police officer. We ended up wearing his jacket and playing with his gun. Another red flag for their legal infrastructure.

I can't... too many events... AZ left for the States.... Mykonos. Gays. Flamboyant. We rented a pow-pow-power wheels ride that we nicknamed Donkey, because it was stubborn and had to be pushed up hills. Ate at a great restaurant where the owner was our waitress. Went to Delos, this ancient city island that was the beginning of the beginning, and was just excavated in the 1960s. That's where Athena was supposedly born, and the hottest gods all lived there. There's mansions and temples and areas used as malls and butcher shops and banks, and it's incredible. AG, you must go, and I'm mad at you for not doing it before. Get a tour guide like Antonio, who was the bomb.com.

Paris. Food... Walked all over the city, even though we had seen a lot on previous trips. Walked along the Seine and saw the Notre Dame, the Eiffel, the Louvre, the Touilleries, Petit and Grand Palais, Old Opera House (amazing), and a bit of the Arc de Triomphe. Big day. Tired. Food. Good. Wine. Good. OO beignets au chocolat GOOD. Brought 3 home. Really great trip, I'm getting tired just reenacting it all!!

In other news, I'm a doctor. The ceremony was really spesh, and my dad got to go on stage and put my academic hood on me, because he's a doc too. Jewish Judy flew in, along with my aunt, and it was just very dear to my heart. Then all my friends left me, and I'm getting withdrawal-like symptoms. Maybe that's just from the alcohol withdrawal. Nono, it's the friendship part.

Well, I'm off to go swim in the Retreat at Westlake Hills with the beagle. Life is hard. Also if you guys haven't noticed, I put up a sweet little fish pond on this blog, and when you click, it feeds the koi. I bet Deebs will enjoy that when she's looking for some distractions. Oh and Kstar is engaged. Congrats! But seriously, quit it you guys, I can't keep up with all this life-ness!!

You know you love me. XOXO, dappergirl.

vacation! victory!

oh i'm going to europe for the next 2 weeks. there may be more postings, but there may be less. less, you say? how is this possible? oh save the attitude.
first off to nyc to catch up with my favorites, then barcelona, then athens and santorini and mykonos, topped off with a little paris on the side. a little scoop of paris should do.
in other news, i'm in love with a boy. that is all. also he cooks for me. that is all. ok i'll talk more if you need me to... not now, i gotta pack... what a tease.

Learning about the Benjamins

haha the name of this picture was Jew Gold

Since I have way too much to do, I figured the best thing would be to distract myself with my old friend, the internet blog. Also I think I may start getting death threats unless I write a new post (ahem LT). This month's edition teaches us the lessons of being an idiot, brought to you by yours truly.

Stupid things I've done this month:
1. Eat shit. I went to the park off of 2222 and 360, and it was closed for renovation, or as the city likes to call it, "Improving Austin." But I had packed everyone up in the car and we were there, and we were going to enjoy the damn park. So we ducked around some fences and got crafty (she gets around, she’s crafty, she’s always down) to get over to the other side. We’re hiking and there’s one area where you have to crouch down under some rocks on a ledge to get over the creek. So the beau takes the beagle in his arms and successfully crouches and balances his way over. I figure if he can do it, no problem for me… I’m pretty sure you know where this is going. I duck walk across the ledge and think I’m done, so I come up, knock my head on a rock, lose my balance, and fall right into the creek. Doink. That stuff stinks so bad. I can still smell it. Luckily, he managed to capture some great photos where I look like a sad poodle covered in mud. I’m so graceful.
2. Lose favorite sunglasses, probably at the same time.
3. Make My Very First Budget. My dad laughed at it and said, “Clearly you have never made a budget before.” Yeah, how can you budget when you’re $150k in debt without any income? That’s like trying to subtract pi squared from infinity. There’s no point; it’s all imaginary money anyways. This is going to be an interesting transition into adulthood. Dammit.

Unstupid things I’ve done:
1. Get myself a hot new condo in downtown Austin. Somehow Austin turned all trendy and metropolitan since I have been away, but I’m wholly embracing it. I figure why not get the city life for this year, since I get to come back to San Antonio, Mexico for más tacos y menos diversión. So the aforementioned beau found this hot number on the 26th floor with all windows in the living room, overlooking the lake and downtown. And it’s got a little galley kitchen with granite countertops, and I’m pumped that I don’t need a cutting board for the counters. And I have a balcony that looks out to the capitol. It’s superfly and I’m living in it. You will all come visit me, because I’m only living in it for a year. Book your flights now, but don’t bring many clothes… there’s very little closet space.

You would think I’d be concerned about My Very First Hot New Condo and My Very First Budget, but since I’m living in denial, nope. No worries.

2. Minor detail, I just finished medical school. I'm done with classes for now, but I graduate officially on May 22. And my dad is putting my doctoral hood on when I walk across the stage. Doesn't that just warm your cold black heart?

Wow, I didn’t mention food at all. Hershey's bars. Mmm. Oh and listen to Patty Griffin's song "Little Fire" for the lyrics.

Update: Well the condo's gone. Real estate agents are supershady.

The contents of my sister's purse

So my sister gave me one of her Hermes knock off purses, and I would just like to talk about what I found leftover in there when I went to clean it out. It gives you some good insight into why I'm confused we're sisters. In order of the way I found it:

1 lipstick, missing cap
1 lipgloss
1 chapstick
Japanese gum wrapper
Business card for Coquette vintage clothing in L.A.
6 dried purple raisins
12 dried golden raisins
(I had to switch from writing down numbers to keeping a tally at this point.)
Hello kitty band-aid
1 lollipop stick
1 pill (unknown; will Google soon)
1 dried contact lens
A fortune cookie fortune that says "You are admired for your impeccable tastes."
change

Then I had to dump it repeatedly to get rid of all the toothpicks at the bottom. I should also mention that she used this purse for going out, and I have decided to make it my doctor's bag. So now the contents look a lot more like this:

stethoscope
reflex hammer
alcohol swabs
flashlight
eye chart
ophthalmoscope
Maxwell's pocket book
car toy for distracting punk kids
crayons
1 lipstick, with top on
1 lipgloss, with top on
mints

That just really entertains me.

A Bloody Mary counts as a vegetable serving, right?

Well since I went ahead and took a nap from 7-9 pm, I'm pretty sure I won't be going back to sleep anytime soon. Let me just take this opportunity to share with you the deliciousness that is the Bloody Mary at South Congress Cafe. Get it or be sorry. It comes in this tall glass so you feel like you're at the diner sipping on a shake, with a big ol celery stick plopped right in there. It's spicy and thick but not too thick and sometimes you get full seeds of pepper through the straw. It's just good. I think Bloody Maries might be a girl thing though, because olives are apparently a controversial food. The olive is the closest thing green food can get to meat, so what is there not to love?

Anyways, my real reason for talking about So. Congress Cafe was to segue into running down Congress in my half marathon adventure. See how I did that there? 13.1 miles is really not all that rough when you have an assload of people cheering you on. Some of the highlights include a lone woman in a cow costume yelling "keep it moooooving, keep it mooooving," which I totally appreciate, because I love a good pun. Also the couple with the signs that said "You came hard, you came strong, you came fast" and then "That's what she said," because I love a good TWSS. That came around mile 11 and was quite a delightful treat. Also thanks to the jerkface who said it was all downhill after 10, because she lied hard in my face. Mile 12 was when my friend patted her thigh and said "come on! come on!" like she does to her doggie. That was less than a delightful treat up the hill. Mile 13 I just wanted to get my damn Tshirt and eat. I could tell that my friend was more excited about eating than finishing, because her first words after running across the finish line were "I really want some queso." That's when you know you're in Texas.

I'm pretty sure I've been horizontal for the past 3 days (TWSS) to make up for all the time I have spent being vertical these past 2 months. Now my body hurts from lying in this position for so long. I'd like to thank my mother for my Valentines bag of Snickers and generic brand York peppermint patties during this time of extreme laziness. They are delicious. You are the shit. Oh also Torchy's pork chili tacos. Very important to remember. Apparently the Brushfire is a favorite, but I'll take Tacodeli's Cowboy taco any day over a Brushfire. Mmm tacos.

bittersweet

On Thursday, January 14, I found out I am going to be an ophthalmologist. (That's an eye doctor.) This has been my dream job for so long, and I have kept saying that I would be happy just to match into the competitive field. That being said, I have been visiting so many different programs all over the country, and I had psyched myself up into moving and starting fresh. Most of the programs I visited said they would love to have me as a resident there, but I'm wondering just how much truth was in that.

I was hoping for Chicago, even though I knew that was a long shot. So I started getting excited about living in Boston with one of my best friends from college, or Florida, where the program was really impressive. Further on down the line, I put San Antonio, assuming I wouldn't have to think about staying put. Let me just make a sidenote to mention all the places I visited:

Chicago - UIC and Cook County (on 2 separate trips)
Little Rock, AR
Nashville
Boston
Chapel Hill, NC
Gainesville, FL
LA
Reading, PA
NYC
San Antonio
Austin (tomorrow)

Wednesday night I was out having delightful herby, fruity cocktails with my bestest friend in NY, who was trying, very successfully, to distract me from Thursday's results. When she left for the restroom, I checked my email and found one that said:

Congratulations! You have matched in this years Ophthalmology Residency Match. You will receive official notification from the SFMatch tomorrow via email beginning at noon. The program director or representative should be in contact with you beginning tomorrow, or you may contact your Medical School Deans office.

I started getting so excited and wondered just who loved me so much.

Thursday morning I got a call from a San Antonio number, which freaked me out until my dean introduced herself.
"Are you able to talk?"
"Yes!"
"Do you know your results?"
"No..."
"Well, you matched into ophthalmology!"
"YesIknowIgottheemailbutIjustdontknowwhereyet."
"Well, are you ready?"
"YES JUST TELL ME WHERE! [Sorry, Dr.Clare]"
"Well, you matched here, at San Antonio!" At first I thought I misheard her, but then I realized nothing really rhymes with 'here, San Antonio.'
"Oh."
"Well, are you happy?"
I think I said something to the effect that I wasn't expecting it, but yes I was happy. Then I quickly got off the phone and started bawling. I think it was just the fact that I had such high expectations to move. And that I would have to stay in San Antonio, which is just not my kind of city. Then I started thinking about how I'd be single or casually dating for the rest of my life, and have to get 5 dogs and then a dogsitter since I'd never be home, and how my mom would never have grandkids. Or she'd have accidental grandkids out of wedlock. This is what went through my ridiculous head.

Three days later, and several extremely dramatic crying sessions in the Chicago Midway airport bathroom (ironic layover) later, I can definitely say I'm happy. I get to be among an elite group who operates on peoples' eyes. I've worked my ass off, and this is a fabulous reward. It's not the ideal city, but I get to keep my house, which I will continue to redecorate, I get to keep my beagle, and maybe even get another doglet. I don't have to move, and I'll save money by living in this very inexpensive humongous-for-what-I-need home. I'm going to work with one of my ophtho friends, and will probably have other friends stay here too. I get to be in an program that I know well enough to call excellent, and I get to be trained in LASIK surgery, which is rare for residencies.

I may never know where I placed on the other programs' lists, and it's possible that San Antonio placed me high on their list, thus canceling out the other programs. But I do know that the program that knows me the best wants me, and saw how hard I am willing to work. I'm no med student superstar, but I managed to edge my way into a competitive residency. I'm really excited to start fresh, even if I am staying in the same spot. Start growing those cataracts so I can pop those puppies out!

unemployed and loving it

today i realized my ultimate job would be to work 1, maybe 2 days a week. i'm wondering how to make this happen long term.

today i woke up accidentally early, got myself some coffee, and finished watching slumdog millionaire. then i turned on nbc to watch for the commercial for SINUS BUSTERS, which my sister is starring in. note this is not her debut (please see "the mike and juliet show", mayonnaise phobia episode). so i've been muting the tv programs and only watching commercials. it's like DVR in reverse. except it's ok because some of the commercials are less annoying that kelly ripa tart, so it works out. my big outing today was to CVS to get milk, and i noticed my fridge looks like a bachelor's fridge. it has water, rum, diet pepsi and some old cheese. pretty sure it's been a month since i went to the actual grocery store.

i've been listening to the joni mitchell album "blue," specifically "river," which is so good but also makes me a bad kind of nostalgic. it also makes me realize that being alone with your thoughts is sometimes a very dangerous thing. thank god i have the today show and "oh no she didn't...2009" to distract me.