“Our biggest problems arise from the avoidance of smaller
ones.”
-Jeremy Caulfield
"I don't understand. It likes it on top but not inside?"
-rv
"I’ll be in California in 3 years. Dave, where will you be?"
-mom to dad
“so I’m looking for a husband for my daughter.”
-dad to dr. in the hospital
"I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."
"Pt's family states that pt got upset because mother did not get the McDonalds she wanted. Pt held a chainsaw to her neck. Pt then put a bunch of gasoline to the house."
-Actual admission note
"the holiday season is about learning to love yourself."
"I already love myself! I just wanna French someone!"
"i view everyone of your glaring red flags as a personal challenge."
"I gave him top-front!"
"Top front, Lemon? That's your worst quadrant."
-ll and jd
"Top front, Lemon? That's your worst quadrant."
-ll and jd
"i'm making art with you as the centerpiece." -cw
"just stay focused, and take this sandwich to my wife... Nope. I'm in a strip club!"
-tracy jordan
-tracy jordan
“mr. jordan, it’s kenneth parcel. from work, and friendship.”
-kp
-kp
“really dude, you don’t fuck with someone’s mis-en-place.”
-top chef contestant
-top chef contestant
“i can’t believe you said the C word in front of all those people.”
“in retrospect, maybe I should have gone with pussy.”
-larry david
“in retrospect, maybe I should have gone with pussy.”
-larry david
“when you’re about to be eaten, it’s not time to make urine. this is no time to ovulate.”
-documentary on pbs
-documentary on pbs
“hi, this is dr. davis. i need to forward my pages to dr. sprunt."
(at 7 pm)
"ok, and when will you be returning?"
"unfortunately, tomorrow at 7 am."
"oh... haha. well, enjoy your break!"
-me and the hospital operator
"ok, and when will you be returning?"
"unfortunately, tomorrow at 7 am."
"oh... haha. well, enjoy your break!"
-me and the hospital operator
"so I just learned that the united nations is not Britain." -cd
"i like you having a non-boyfriend."
"at least you know I'm not getting pregnant."
"yeah! awesome!"
-me and mom
"i like you having a non-boyfriend."
"at least you know I'm not getting pregnant."
"yeah! awesome!"
-me and mom
"hi, dr., I'm calling about this patient in room 6. he's been digging in his poo all night, so I need an order for restraints."
-nurse
"so on our third date, I hardly know this gal, and she asks me, 'so, where do you think you and I will be in 10 years?' I'm known for my honesty so I tell her, 'well, I doubt we will know each other.'"
-my dad talking about my mom
"if Rojo Caliente can find someone, anyone can."
-dad
"no wonder everyone always come back to texas."
-cm
"i want to get alex drunk."
"well that shouldn't be hard, just give her a few shots."
"no, i mean i want to get as drunk as alex gets. i want to get alex-drunk."
-jp
"my dreams have become really weird since getting on prozac."
"what do you mean?"
"they're a lot more vivid. and there's a lot more violence... and killing."
-ld and lw
"it's ok, honey."
"what's ok?"
"everything's ok."
-cm
"i'll be in a relationship with you if you stop slurping the stroganoff."
"why don't you just hand me the wine?"
-bs and az
km 10:15 "Get back on"
km 10:16 "That's what she said."
ltd 10:16 "That's what she said."
-nurse
"so on our third date, I hardly know this gal, and she asks me, 'so, where do you think you and I will be in 10 years?' I'm known for my honesty so I tell her, 'well, I doubt we will know each other.'"
-my dad talking about my mom
"if Rojo Caliente can find someone, anyone can."
-dad
"no wonder everyone always come back to texas."
-cm
"i want to get alex drunk."
"well that shouldn't be hard, just give her a few shots."
"no, i mean i want to get as drunk as alex gets. i want to get alex-drunk."
-jp
"my dreams have become really weird since getting on prozac."
"what do you mean?"
"they're a lot more vivid. and there's a lot more violence... and killing."
-ld and lw
"it's ok, honey."
"what's ok?"
"everything's ok."
-cm
"i'll be in a relationship with you if you stop slurping the stroganoff."
"why don't you just hand me the wine?"
-bs and az
km 10:15 "Get back on"
km 10:16 "That's what she said."
ltd 10:16 "That's what she said."
"I don't remember this at all!"
"Well, you were probably drunk."
-az and az's dad
"[incomprehensible]. Say 'yes' or 'no.'"
"Hmm...Yesss?"
-orbitz automated voice and sf
"His mind is like a steel... something..." -my mother
"I disliked a blog so I could comment, 'Please don't eat veal."
-cd
"Today I found a really old bowl of ice cream under his coffee table." -ld
"Maintain some counterpressure."
-sf
"Wasn't Mo'nique in the movie Precious?"
"Mo'nique?"
"Monet? No, not precious. That's impressionism."
-dad, me, and mom in a typical conversation
"I thought I had mono, and it turned out I was just really bored." -ag
"Well, you were probably drunk."
-az and az's dad
"[incomprehensible]. Say 'yes' or 'no.'"
"Hmm...Yesss?"
-orbitz automated voice and sf
"His mind is like a steel... something..." -my mother
"I disliked a blog so I could comment, 'Please don't eat veal."
-cd
"Today I found a really old bowl of ice cream under his coffee table." -ld
"Maintain some counterpressure."
-sf
"Wasn't Mo'nique in the movie Precious?"
"Mo'nique?"
"Monet? No, not precious. That's impressionism."
-dad, me, and mom in a typical conversation
"I thought I had mono, and it turned out I was just really bored." -ag
"Are you talking to me or the vodka-cranberry?"
-ld and lt
