Keep Calm and Call Me Maybe

I just finished my last weekend call for awhile, and I have to say I'm feeling pretty good about it. I get to pass this damn call baton off to the new first years, and I'm practically throwing it at them. There is nothing I like less than being called in at 3am to see a drunk smelly guy who just smashed his head and broke his orbital bones on a steering wheel because he was driving it. It doesn't exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy about what you're doing. Then you get the veterans, who can take anything, because, shit, they've seen war. So maybe they've been hanging out with a retinal detachment for the past few weeks, no big deal.  And then they thank you and tell you you're pretty. Isn't that all you can ask for in life?

Speaking of pretty, these are some of my favorite people in the world. I hope you don't mind me exposing you to the internet. You're wearing clothes; you're welcome.  So the lil lady on the right got herself married last month, and I have to say she really rocked that wedding dress. The rehearsal dinner was at the Cleveland Skating Club (yess!) and the wedding was at the courthouse, which sounds kind of lame until you go there, and you realize it's amazing. I guess I've never been to a courthouse before, but this was marbly and beautiful. They had a lovely mitzvah ceremony, and I have to say, it almost made me want to consider possibly getting close to the idea of marriage one day.  Right now I'm having fun dating douchebags for the time being.  You don't have to worry about getting involved, because you really don't want to. I had fun with these girls.  Some quality people right there. If they weren't all already Mrses. I would highly recommend them.  Please come to Texas again. I will feed you BBQ and queso, and you need to buy some damn boots. 

Speaking of wearing clothes (smooth transition, Ace), this is when the patient looks at the note and says, "Do not read out loud. Oh you just want me to say yes or no?"

This is when you happen to look at the ER waiting list and say, "Neat, I'm not sleeping tonight."

This is what you make yourself after you've been up from 3-5am and can't fall back asleep. And you happen to be superwoman. 

This is your view coming out of said hospital at 6am. Thank goodness I have a ridiculous schedule, or I would have missed this.  And thank goodness I get a break for awhile.  What a nutty year. I hope to be more sane and less exhausted and more smiley and more smarter this time next year. Thank you for sticking through this with me, and thank you for making me stick through it. Present this coupon for a free eye exam! (Disposable) sunglasses included.

Xoxo,

Dapper Girl

Wall of Quotes

“Our biggest problems arise from the avoidance of smaller ones.”

-Jeremy Caulfield

"I don't understand. It likes it on top but not inside?"

-rv

"I’ll be in California in 3 years. Dave, where will you be?"

-mom to dad

“so I’m looking for a husband for my daughter.”

-dad to dr. in the hospital

"I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes."

"Pt's family states that pt got upset because mother did not get the McDonalds she wanted. Pt held a chainsaw to her neck. Pt then put a bunch of gasoline to the house."

-Actual admission note

"the holiday season is about learning to love yourself."

"I already love myself! I just wanna French someone!"

"i view everyone of your glaring red flags as a personal challenge."

"I gave him top-front!"
"Top front, Lemon? That's your worst quadrant."
-ll and jd

"i'm making art with you as the centerpiece." -cw

"just stay focused, and take this sandwich to my wife... Nope. I'm in a strip club!"
-tracy jordan

“mr. jordan, it’s kenneth parcel. from work, and friendship.”
-kp

“really dude, you don’t fuck with someone’s mis-en-place.”
-top chef contestant

“i can’t believe you said the C word in front of all those people.”
“in retrospect, maybe I should have gone with pussy.”
-larry david

“when you’re about to be eaten, it’s not time to make urine. this is no time to ovulate.”
-documentary on pbs

“hi, this is dr. davis. i need to forward my pages to dr. sprunt."
 (at 7 pm)
"ok, and when will you be returning?"


"unfortunately, tomorrow at 7 am."


"oh... haha. well, enjoy your break!"


-me and the hospital operator

"so I just learned that the united nations is not Britain." -cd





"i like you having a non-boyfriend."


"at least you know I'm not getting pregnant."


"yeah! awesome!"


-me and mom

"hi, dr., I'm calling about this patient in room 6. he's been digging in his poo all night, so I need an order for restraints."


-nurse





"so on our third date, I hardly know this gal, and she asks me, 'so, where do you think you and I will be in 10 years?' I'm known for my honesty so I tell her, 'well, I doubt we will know each other.'"


-my dad talking about my mom





"if Rojo Caliente can find someone, anyone can."


-dad





"no wonder everyone always come back to texas."


-cm





"i want to get alex drunk."


"well that shouldn't be hard, just give her a few shots."


"no, i mean i want to get as drunk as alex gets. i want to get alex-drunk."


-jp





"my dreams have become really weird since getting on prozac."


"what do you mean?"


"they're a lot more vivid. and there's a lot more violence... and killing."


-ld and lw





"it's ok, honey."


"what's ok?"


"everything's ok."


-cm





"i'll be in a relationship with you if you stop slurping the stroganoff."


"why don't you just hand me the wine?"


-bs and az





km 10:15 "Get back on"


km 10:16 "That's what she said."


ltd 10:16 "That's what she said."

"I don't remember this at all!"


"Well, you were probably drunk."


-az and az's dad





"[incomprehensible]. Say 'yes' or 'no.'"


"Hmm...Yesss?"


-orbitz automated voice and sf





"His mind is like a steel... something..."

-my mother





"I disliked a blog so I could comment, 'Please don't eat veal."


-cd





"Today I found a really old bowl of ice cream under his coffee table."

-ld




"Maintain some counterpressure."


-sf





"Wasn't Mo'nique in the movie Precious?"


"Mo'nique?"


"Monet? No, not precious. That's impressionism."


-dad, me, and mom in a typical conversation





"I thought I had mono, and it turned out I was just really bored." -ag

"Nononono you can't leave me! You are my everything!"
"Are you talking to me or the vodka-cranberry?"



-ld and lt

Springtime in Texas Again

I can't believe I've slacked off on writing since July. My friend called me out on it, and though sometimes I feel it's self-indulgent to write about myself, she said she actually reads these things, so here it is! You have missed so much!  As in mostly work, but also some fun concerts and dating stories. Since then I have turned into a full-fledged ophthalmologist, and by full-fledged I mean I finally have some idea of what I am doing. For the first 6 months, I'm not gonna lie, I would see patients but essentially have no clue what I was looking at in their eyes. That lead to a lot of frustration when on call, since I'm the only eye doc seeing the patient at that hour. I'd call my back up resident to ask questions, and when it was too difficult to explain or just had to be seen, they would come into the ER in the middle of the night. For some reason I was always paired with one upper-level resident, who frequently "forgot his badge" to get into the parking lot, and would take 1-2 hours to come in. So say it was 3 am, and you get a call for "eyeball hanging out of socket after a knife fight." This is all just hypothetical, of course. You say, "hm, that doesn't sound good," and come in quickly. You find said eyeball hanging out of socket, and nurses saying, "doctor, what are you going to do?" and realize they are looking at you. I quickly reply, "talk to my senior resident," since I'm thinking this guy will need surgery. I call my senior resident, who then takes 1.5 hours to come in. (He lives about 10 minutes away.) Now it's 4:30 and finally he comes to take a look and has to call our attending, seeing as how this guy will need surgery. Funny, I diagnosed that awhile back. My attending comes in much more quickly than my senior resident, and they head off to the OR. Spoiler alert: the eye was taken out. The delay in care didn't really affect the outcome, but it certainly affected my sleep that night and my confidence in my "colleague." 


Since then he's gotten better because we've all had similar issues with his timing, and I've gotten better with my exams.  I no longer get palpitations when I'm on call, and I feel like I can diagnose the vast majority of the eye complaints that come in. During the day I'm in clinic with an attending (experienced doc), and he lets me make most of the decisions, unless he disagrees with my plan. This has made me feel a lot more confident as an eye doctor.  There is still an overwhelming amount of material I have to learn, but I'm getting there. Oh and I was constantly in a bad mood for the first 6 months (I was warned I'd be depressed, but I didn't actually believe it), and now I just feel better in general about what I'm doing.  In January I called my parents crying, very serious, saying I couldn't take it anymore and it wasn't worth it- I'd go into research or start my bakery or become a consultant doc- residency was just too much. I now realize that there are intense periods on call, but it's still not as bad as when my sucker general surgery friends are on. :) Also it's nothing like when my dad was on call; he would go into the hospital Friday morning and leave Monday night. Guess that's why his first marriage didn't go so well. Lucky for me I ain't go nobody except for my Zoey beagle. She's so lovely, and I kind of like how confused she gets when I head into the hospital in the middle of the night. She's all loopy and beagly. 


You missed the 5th annual Beagle Egg Hunt! Another roaring success, and Zoey taught her cousin Winston how to break open the eggs. This year we featured salami and cheese. Big hit. 


You missed my super-busy dating life in February. Somehow it slowed after that, but I'll always have February. I was living in Houston for a month-long review course, and I managed to stack up my days and weekends with a confusing number of dates- locals and imports alike. I had a very sweet lawyer, a (later learned) douchebag general surgeon who talked constantly about his ex-gf, a bartender/ pediatric resident from Greece, another 36-year old lawyer who lived at home with his parents and some other miscellaneous boy sprinklings. Also the long-distance/ long-term ex still sends me flowers every Valentines. And Christmas. And for my birthday. I'm waiting for him to blossom, then he may come back around. You may look at that list and say, what happened to the very sweet lawyer? He's still around, but I don't feel that spark. My mom says it's because I don't think I deserve a nice boy, but I also need passion. Like the recent episode of New Girl- though I'm pissed that she dumped hottie Rupert Everett, she also needed the fire. Anyone else notice I'm like Zooey Deschanel on that show? Plus a combo of Eliot from Scrubs and Tina Fey on 30 Rock. It's healthy to have TV role models, no? I debated canceling my cable subscription due to my quickly shrinking bank account, but I just couldn't pull the plug. 


Anyways, I'm on call again this weekend... It's almost noon and I haven't heard from the ER for the past 5 hours. I'm feeling good for now. This will likely change when I'm up at an obscene hour of the night, but for now, we will take what we can get. 


You know you love me. Xoxo,
Dapper Girl ♣